It's something they want more than anything they were capable of before being changed. It's why someone broken like him is useless. He knows he's useless.

"That...that lady...the one who died. She could do it, too." He shakes his head, having a hard time remembering the specifics. He can't remember the woman's name now, or even what she looked like. He just remembers that she died. Lesedi Santiago killed her. "They said that he made her do it..."