Geez, thinking back to that...that was back when he hadn't felt constantly insecure and anxious about himself. It had been so much easier to just be a dink and do what he wanted before he'd...what had even happened to him?
It's like he just had some sort of epiphany moment, when he thought about his mom at the party. Like he suddenly felt all this hope about being a good person and helping people - a memory made more cruel by the fact that he's pretty sure he's not done either of those things in most of his life. He's spent so much time trying to stay afloat, trying to get the upper hand on his life, that he's not made a habit of thinking about other people.
It's a kind of love he can't even remember ever having for someone. As much as he likes some of his bandmates, he spends too much time doubting his relationships to feel so unconditionally fond of them. He's always gotta be ready for the moment that they spurn him, so if they turn their back on him, he can turn just as quickly.
"I was just trying to make you feel bad," he says, looking down. "It's not my fault it didn't work."
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It's like he just had some sort of epiphany moment, when he thought about his mom at the party. Like he suddenly felt all this hope about being a good person and helping people - a memory made more cruel by the fact that he's pretty sure he's not done either of those things in most of his life. He's spent so much time trying to stay afloat, trying to get the upper hand on his life, that he's not made a habit of thinking about other people.
It's a kind of love he can't even remember ever having for someone. As much as he likes some of his bandmates, he spends too much time doubting his relationships to feel so unconditionally fond of them. He's always gotta be ready for the moment that they spurn him, so if they turn their back on him, he can turn just as quickly.
"I was just trying to make you feel bad," he says, looking down. "It's not my fault it didn't work."