003 ┼ SO LONG LIVE THE RECKLESS AND THE BRAVE

[stylistic_disloyalty]

Who: Luci & Pride CR
What: What happens when Lucifer has a minor identity crisis? Shockingly, she's only quietly destructive.
When: Backdated to Jan 12th-14thish
Where: Pride HQ / Carnie Suite
Warnings: Carnies with feelings.

[Maybe that's why she calls herself Lucifer-- because no matter what she says or does, she'll never get the benefit of the doubt. She wears the name like everything she's ever done wrong in her life is a particularly comfortable coat, and nothing underneath would ever be seen. The devil did it... The devil always does it.]

[Squalo had a damned good point though-- anyone she was close to could become a target for Santiago whenever this favor is called up. That she didn't blame him for. Hell, she shouldn't blame him for anything she's feeling because it's messed up. She shouldn't care about getting rebuffed for trying to help, what skin was it off her nose? Who gave a shit if he held her at bay with the reminder of her deal with Santiago like it was a crucifix? The fact that he seemed not to care about her murdering two people shouldn't make her hope that people would understand she'd just been trying to defend herself.]

[No. She shouldn't feel any of those things because no one would ever reciprocate. No one ever had sympathy for the devil. This feels like a lesson she's forgotten, a reason why she can't remember any friends aside from before she joined Pride. No matter what she did, no one would think she wasn't completely evil or ready to lie to them or stab them in the back. No doubt that was why 'Lucifer'. She isn't anything like a spirit of rebellion and inspiration-- she's evil incarnate. She's ruthless and merciless. She'd kill you for a Klondike bar.]

[It would be so much easier if she didn't want to make connections with people, if she looked at the people she saw often and felt nothing. But no, she's risking her life to save Xanxus, she's teaching Jamie intimacy, she's comforting Terry after Naomi's party... What the fuck, why does it suddenly feel so wrong for her to feel positively about those memories? Why does it feel so foreign?]


[Carnie Suite]

[Luci stays in bed after she gets back from her confrontation with Squalo. She doesn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone, but given she's right where she usually is when she's upset it's not terribly hard to find her. Especially when she doesn't come out to eat and has shut off her phone.]


[Pride HQ - 14th]

[After being convinced to exit the suite if only to stretch her legs, Luci goes through the motions of procuring a cup of soup from the cafe downstairs to bring back up to the suite. No makeup, her hair product-free, she's only looked like this after Naomi's party. Something is clearly wrong with her.]

Comments

[stylistic_disloyalty]

I can't stop you, but it seems pretty dumb when we both don't know what's going to make this better. [She dodges away from Jamie's hand on instinct before she realizes what she's doing.]

[mildwildchild]

[It's the deliberate rejection of his touch rather than her words that makes Jamie flinch away as though he's been slapped. He haltingly tucks his hands into his pockets and goes silent for a bit, chewing his lower lip, and then he peers hesitantly up at her, looking confused and a little hurt but mostly remorseful.]

I'm...sorry. I-I can just...leave you alone, if you want me to.

[stylistic_disloyalty]

[For a moment, it really does look like she's going to tell him to go home and crawl into bed with Sora or something. It would feel right, to tell him to buzz off if he can't make her feel better. But it's just making her feel worse.]

...fuck. [Luci grabs him before he can even get his hands out of his pockets and squeezes him for a second.] Sorry. I'm sorry. I knew this would happen I just didn't think...

[She didn't think it would happen now when she needed him. But that was just the way shit happened today.]

I'm no good around you like this. I have to go be lonely for a while, it's not your fault.

[mildwildchild]

[He's not really sure how to respond anymore, if he's just going to make things worse with his attempts to help, so he just bobs his head uncertainly, trying not to look too much like a wounded puppy.]

...okay. If that's what you need, then... [He sort of trails off and shrugs, the gesture hesitant.]

[He studies the floor for a moment or two, then looks back up at her.] You...know you're still important to me, right? Even if we can't fool around anymore. There's...there's more to us than that, right?

[stylistic_disloyalty]

[...she doesn't know if there is or not. She can't say at that moment, when she can't figure out why she feels so attached to everyone. When she feels so hurt by someone she let in. Two someones she let in.]

[Luci pats Jamie's hair gently.] Sure there is.

[At least it doesn't feel wrong to lie.]