when the hope of morning starts to fade in me

[tigermillionaire]

Who: Tiger Universe and Greg Universe
What: On the verge of a breaking point, Tiger briefly runs away from "home."
When: Late at night on October 27th.
Where: Several blocks away from his venue in downtown Vista.
Warnings: People being super troubled, child ptsd.

He never really planned this. If he had, they probably would have known. He's not sure how - there's no rationality to it. He just feels like the managers anticipate when he's going to do something wrong, because they always seem to be ready for it. Even this doesn't seem like it will last.

But he's not really running away from Pride, at least not consciously. It's not the music that he hates, or his career. The thing that is so maddening is that he doesn't understand anything about this - he doesn't know why he acts the way he does when he fears the consequences so much. He doesn't know why he feels more and more like he can't breathe, and like he needs to do something, break something, for the tension to release.

So maybe breaking the rules will suffice, even if they just drag him back, after everything. Even if they hit him or punish him, like something in his subconscious tells him that they might. If he had the choice, though...he's not sure if he'd ever go back.

At some point he wanders down to the lower half of the streets, where the high rises and walk ways dimly illuminate from above. It's past midnight, by now, probably. He'd been doing some kind of press event for System Crash, but before Jin had known what he was doing, he just ran. Now he realizes that he has no idea where he is or where he's going - he never goes anywhere unescorted. He's not really allowed to.

But people, here and there, are already starting to recognize him. He wonders what he could do. Maybe if he cuts his hair off, or washes his face, they won't notice him anymore. He doesn't want to talk to them - he doesn't even feel like he's allowed to, unsupervised.

When some of his observers try to actually approach him, he straight up runs. They people calling after him don't actually sound like fans.

Comments

[panspermia]

A stretch of silence falls between them. Before this point, Greg had been making a lot of assumptions about what was going on. Pressure, stress, alienation, exhaustion, lack of boundaries or care--things expected in the sort of environments the two of them were caught up in, and not good for a kid's mental health.

He knows about the reputation Pride has, but until now he's been willing to give the benefit of the doubt and file it away as rumors. Even if that all is true, they wouldn't wrap up a kid in any of that stuff. Obviously.

When Greg speaks, his voice is far less even than it's been throughout the night.

"Did they--did someone say that to you?"

[tigermillionaire]

Too bad there's that cage. I heard shit floats.

He can't even think about it without feeling like throwing up. The water creeping up on him and Xanxus just laughing. The way Wakana didn't even say anything to him when the key was gone and the water was at his neck. People hated him. They hated him because he was obnoxious and stupid.

He can't just tell Greg about this. No one can know about it. It's to humiliating he can't take it.

"There's no reason to care about me."

[panspermia]

"You're wrong."

Tiger won't look at him, and Greg won't make him. He'll step in closer, though.

"I don't need a reason to care about you. I just do. That's what people do."

He wants to be angry, to be furious with whoever made Tiger think any different. Mostly, he's just scared that the boy believes it.

"Anyone who tries to say different is the one who's a bad person. It's not your fault that they're a scumbag, you hear me?"

[tigermillionaire]

Why doesn't Greg get it? It's not just any one person whose made him feel like this. It's just something that has started to feel more and more true, and what happened to him only confirmed it. He's been trying for so long to act like he's inherently worth something, but he's not.

"My own dad hates me!" Tiger yells, turning on him, tears fresh on his face. "I killed my mom."

[panspermia]

"Your dad doesn't know what he's missing!" His voice cracks as he yells it, words bursting out before he can even realize it.

The surprise catches up after the outburst, equal parts from Tiger's statement and his own sudden vehemence. Greg blinks, before rubbing at an eye to give himself just a second to think. Some niggling part is telling him he ought to apologize. He doesn't.

[tigermillionaire]

For a moment, Tiger is stunned silent, that reply and its intensity seeming to come from nowhere. Having that much conviction about it seems absurd. It takes a moment, but Tiger's expression hardens a little, his fists clenching at his sides like he's trying to hold himself together.

"Like what," he asks, flatly. There's absolutely nothing here that a father would want to see, in his opinion.

[panspermia]

"Like..." Greg's face screws up. He really doesn't know anything about Tiger, does he? All he's seen are a bunch of ridiculous tweets, and... this.

But, he knows he's right. His mouth pulls into a line, and he speaks softly, slowly.

"Like a kid who's talented, and passionate about it. Who cares about his fans, and his friends." Tiger might not think he has many, but Greg won't hear it. "Who doesn't stand for getting pushed around by anyone--not the paparazzi, not smug higher-ups, not idiots who think they know everything about him. Because he knows he deserves better."

He swallows, hard. "You do know that, right?"

[tigermillionaire]

He wraps his arms around himself. If knowing he deserves better is some how a positive trait, then that's news to him. His dad would be more inconvenienced by that than anything else, especially when surpassed him and took his place in everyone's memories.

Or, at least, that's what Tiger had felt like doing a couple month ago. Right now, he's starting to wonder if his dad had a point. The sentiment is a nice one, but it kind of goes to show that Greg doesn't really know him at all.

"If...if you think most of that is true, you're going to be really disappointed."

[panspermia]

"I wonder." He can't outright deny it: when people try to talk about Tiger in a positive light, it always comes accompanied by a "but." He's definitely a piece of work.

Then again, it's also true that Greg doesn't know him very well. It doesn't seem like a lot of people do. Greg gets the feeling there's a really, really great kid in there, somewhere. He's just a little lost.

"Well, you're gonna have to start working to prove me wrong."

[tigermillionaire]

Hah. Well, there'd be plenty of ways he could prove that right now! Even if he isn't actually as cruel is one might think he'd be, it isn't hard to think of shit he could start hurling to try to scare this guy off. His antagonizing isn't very fine tuned but it can be determined. Just look at their "rivalry" leading up to this point.

Really, it makes him wonder where he'd get that impression in the first place.

"You're just making stuff up!" he says, eyeing Greg critically, but without a new flare of anger. "People always just make stuff up, trying to make something sound like it's okay, when it not. All I ever do is yell at you, and now you're just lying about it!"

[panspermia]

"Hey, yelling at me doesn't cancel out the rest of it. I'm just one of those idiots you don't put up with." He rolls his shoulder in a little shrug. "I don't mind a little friendly rivalry, or whatever."

He gives an anxious little chuckle. "But... I would like more stuff aside from the yelling. I had fun that one time, with the masks."

[tigermillionaire]

Geez, thinking back to that...that was back when he hadn't felt constantly insecure and anxious about himself. It had been so much easier to just be a dink and do what he wanted before he'd...what had even happened to him?

It's like he just had some sort of epiphany moment, when he thought about his mom at the party. Like he suddenly felt all this hope about being a good person and helping people - a memory made more cruel by the fact that he's pretty sure he's not done either of those things in most of his life. He's spent so much time trying to stay afloat, trying to get the upper hand on his life, that he's not made a habit of thinking about other people.

It's a kind of love he can't even remember ever having for someone. As much as he likes some of his bandmates, he spends too much time doubting his relationships to feel so unconditionally fond of them. He's always gotta be ready for the moment that they spurn him, so if they turn their back on him, he can turn just as quickly.

"I was just trying to make you feel bad," he says, looking down. "It's not my fault it didn't work."

[panspermia]

Greg sucks in a breath through his teeth. "Really? Yikes." He scratches at his hair, a little sheepish. "That's embarrassing."

Heaving a sigh, he tucks his hands into his pockets again. "Instead, you went ahead and made a good first impression, and now you're stuck with me liking you. Bad luck."

Truly, a mistake that will haunt Tiger forever.

[tigermillionaire]

"You must be easy to impress," Tiger grumbles, tragically not super impressed by Greg's facetiousness, even if he fails to get actively angry about it. He feels like Greg is avoiding the issue. That if he was actually being real with him, there wouldn't be so many implications of unconditional support that he doesn't feel like he's given any reason to warrant.

"It doesn't matter because...I'm going. Somewhere else. I don't know." Trying to brain the idea of running away properly is actually really hard, even though he's gotten this far. The drop in momentum is making it nearly impossible to even contemplate.

[panspermia]

It had been a valiant attempt to lighten the mood, but perhaps poorly placed. Greg chews at the inside of his cheek, not sure where to go next.

"Listen... Tiger. If you're really serious about this... I'm not gonna stop you." There are parts in the back of his head telling him otherwise, but they aren't loud enough for him to pay attention to right now. "You don't owe them anything if they're not keeping care of you.

"But I told you at the start. Whether you like me or not, I'm not going anywhere until you're somewhere safe."

[tigermillionaire]

"It doesn't have anything to do with Pride," Tiger says, sticking his hands in his pockets. As if he would blame his label, geez. "I just...I can't do it. I feel like..." He turns around, grabbing at his hair. "Like I'm gunna go crazy or something. It's not fair."

The last part comes out with a flash of desperation and helplessness, his nails biting into his scalp.

[panspermia]

Something starts buzzing in the back of Greg's skull. A thought has popped into place, and with it that vague feeling of warning and foreboding he's been ignoring all night amplifies tenfold.

"It feels like... like someone else has..."

If he isn't alone having these strange visions--he doesn't know what they are, it might be nothing--if half of Virgo is having them too--they're dreams, nothing more, he can't assume until he gets an explanation--then maybe it's not limited to the label...?--he'll look completely mad, or worse, it'll only complicate things--

He can't get the words out, past the lump of uncertainty swelled in his throat.

[tigermillionaire]

Tiger turns to look at him, his expression cutting. He doesn't understand what Greg is getting at, and an fake expression of sympathy is the last thing he needs right now.

"Has what?" he demands, his voice pained and angry.

[panspermia]

Greg flinches--less from the intensity of Tiger's glare than the weight of the doubt that comes over him. He's not even sure he has the right words to describe it, let alone if he should share them. He wants to, though. To confirm suspicions, and to find something, even something so strange and frightening, in common.

A hand cups over his mouth, still hesitant. "Has... I don't know." Greg looks away. He wants to have the words for it, for his own sake as much as Tiger's. There has to be a right way to describe what's happened. "Like someone's... haunting you, maybe."

[tigermillionaire]

Something in Tiger zeroes in on that phrasing, like it's something familiar. His expression clearly shows that it rings a bell, even if he acts defensively afterwards. He looks at Greg uncertainly, like he can't believe that he is actually referring to the same thing.

He's felt the presences, and their effects. But nothing as clear as the members of Virgo. His expression falls.

"...I'm never going to be like that," he says, quietly. "Anything I remember."

[panspermia]

Even with that denial, it confirms he's been feeling these things too. A swell of vindication rises in Greg, though not exactly triumphant. Whatever it is Tiger's been seeing obviously isn't cause for celebration. Still... It's something. Something real, something worth investigating.

"I dunno... I have trouble believing it, myself." The visions have been warm, and happy, but... foreign. "I can't shake 'em, though. They mean something. Maybe not to us, but to... something."

[tigermillionaire]

Why does Greg even know about that? He'd gotten the idea that maybe some of his bandmates, and people like Garnet, had experienced something like this...but someone from Virgo, too? It doesn't make any sense, and worse, it's in a way that his brain doesn't even seem allowed to contemplate too hard. Greg is just...some guy...he's just...

Tiger's shoulders sink and he just kind of wanders a few steps ahead, before abruptly sitting down on the pavement and wrapping his arms around his knees. No, that's it. He's not making it any further. He can't do this, he's just going to wait until someone comes to take him, because he clearly isn't meant to be out here.

"This is too hard," he says, his voice tight with pain. He's not even sure what he's specifically referring to. Trying to run away? Trying to understand this? Existing? He just wishes that the hurt he's experiencing would stop, that he could feel like a real person again.

[panspermia]

Again, Greg finds himself at a loss for words. These visions... all they've done is complicate things, confuse him, muddle up a life that seemed to be going so great. Thinking about them makes him feel sick, but they have to mean something. They have to be important.

If this is progress, though, why do they feel more lost than ever?

For a long while, Greg doesn't say anything. He can't pretend he knows what to do. Finally, he runs a hand through his hair, and scuffs a foot on the pavement.

"Well. Maybe... if you're up for it... we can grab that burger. And figure out the next step after that?" Nothing was going to stop being hard. But things are never easy on an empty stomach.

[tigermillionaire]

I don't know if I can get up.

It's an absurd kind of thought to have, to any normal person, but it's not like its the first time he's felt this way about doing something. Just...sometimes there are barriers to what you do. He can't really think too deeply on it. Right now he feels like something is holding him down, like something is demanding that he just give up and wait. Someone from Pride will come and get him.

Any strength he had built up before is gone, and now he's just wallowing in the aftermath of an idea he can't even remember why seemed good in the first place. They're going to be mad about this, he knows they are. It's his own fault.

But he looks up at Greg, and for a moment he really wants to. He wants to go, he wants to work this out somehow, even if it doesn't really seem possible. He very slightly uncurls himself, and seems like he's starting to try to get up, even if his movements seem beleaguered and unsteady like someone overcome with lightheadedness.

[panspermia]

Greg's by him in a second, to steady him and help to his feet. Somewhere in the back of his head, he wonders if this is the most Tiger's allowed anyone to touch him in a day. Maybe even a week.

It's more than evident the kid's at his limit. This whole attempt looks doomed; Tiger has nowhere to go, no plan, no resources, and Greg... well, Greg's in no place to provide anything that's missing. The thought comes that this is good. It's dangerous for a kid to be out like this, foolish, ill advised. Greg ought to have gotten him back sooner. Pride will look after him better than anyone else can.

He knows that last part isn't true, though, as much as he wishes it were. Not after tonight. Even with Tiger's resolve crumbling, Greg can't bear to send him back there. He made a promise, after all.

"It's not far. Trust me, they're great." He suppresses the sudden urge to offer a piggy back ride.