interstellar5555 | I'll Show You My Strength Now

Entry tags:

I'll Show You My Strength Now

Who: Shin and you!
What: Practice, various
When: April 17-23
Where: Various
Warnings: Sex, drugs, rock n' roll (and prostitution)

1.) OTA

Coping mechanisms are alcohol, weed, and coke, right? He's wondering if he's crazy, but he knows all too well that everything makes too much sense to be lies. It explains so much about why he loves music so much, and why he felt compelled to sell his skin, but it left him with the question, is it worth going home?

Currently Shin's on the down-swing of a coke rush, contemplating life and the universe over a Long Island iced tea. His foot is tapping rhythmically to the beat, though his expression doesn't follow along with the same enthusiasm.

2.) For Roxas

Shin normally is smooth and controlled. He rarely looks angry, and since his arrival he had yet to actually once act on his anger. Today's practice seems to be getting to him though. He hadn't been close with the other band members, but the temporary replacements seemed to be getting more and more under his skin. His jaw sets harder with each mistake the fill-ins make. Even Roxas's mistakes seem to be getting to him, and his own mistakes even moreso. The first few (hundred?) plays through, Shin was playing as close to perfect as a human being could get with the amount of practice they had already put in, but each jarring note off of the tune seems to be messing with his game more and more.

Finally, the bassist plays another measure in the wrong key and off beat and Shin snaps like a guitar string. He lifts the bass violently over the bassist's head to get the strap off of him and swings it back around to smash into the floor. A piece of the guitar flies out, directly into Roxas's main drum, earning a deeper scowl and a silent curse. He didn't want to get Roxas involved, but he'd fucked that up, apparently. He tries to let it not ruffle him too much as he looks the bassist dead in the eye before announcing, "Sounds much better now."

He pulls off his guitar and throws it at one of the stereos, making them collide with a horrific sound.

He's apparently done for the day as he storms out the studio. At the very least it's going to take a few minutes to replace the three instruments he just wrecked.

3.) Wildcard

jynxed

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Okay, that is cute and all, but in terms of professionalism that behavior is definitely shitty. If something was wrong, why not say something before? Why not do something before? Maybe these things were too much to ask.

Roxas would put more thought into it, but having his set that he has put a lot of effort into putting together, not just for the basics but all the extra additions that adorn and enhance it, wrecked almost completely definitely set him off. Who does Shinichi think he is? Sticks are laying down now, drummer standing up and firm, following that which had stormed out recently for some closure, if it's even available.

"Hey," he shouts, nothing about his voice, volume or tone faltering, "Where do you think you're going? You messed up my set, you have some questions to answer to." At this point Roxas won't quit until he has Shin in his grip, having some sort of reason as to why he did what he did other than sheer frustration.

Shin had made it to the bathroom and was already starting a line. He thought he'd wedged his shoe in the door well enough, but Roxas makes it through. He tries to finish it before Roxas can grab him, at this point not giving a shit if Roxas knows. It was going to come out to him eventually anyway.

When Roxas grabs him, Shin rips himself away. "Leave me the fuck alone already!" Not like he actually had anyone that gave half a shit about him here. Why should anyone? He wasn't meant to be loved.

Whatever, this wasn't about who's meant to be cared or loved. This was about making a point.. because, damnit, Roxas already had the hardest falling out he could imagine, that being the loss of his "other half", so combining that with everything else, this was just the final straw that broke the camel's back. There wasn't a closed door, bathroom or not, that could stop him in his path of making this point.

Not a healthy way to cope with this loss, but a way, supposedly? Definitely not healthy considering how many different vices he's been engaged in before this even started, but that's another story.

It doesn't matter that drugs were involved in this situation, that Shin was just ready to finish what would send him on a high towards the ceiling, because Roxas is anything but his dealer, his enabler.. he has his own problems he needs to figure out, in an unhealthy way at that apparently, and letting Shin sort out his own isn't among the list of his solution.

If it isn't obvious, what he says is done so angrily enough that, regardless of what may have happened before, big or small, it's made into a big deal with this, "Why the hell did you have to go and do that? Don't you know we're already short as it is, and as pissy as you can be, that is just not called for.. do you even care?"

"I don't get pissy! Why aren't you angry too? We've gone through this how many times? He can't even get the right fucking key right!" He glares at Roxas, "Why the fuck do we have to sit through so many extra hours of practice for those shitheads?"

He's not okay, but he also looks like he's ready to slug someone, and if that ends up being Roxas, so be it. "If you gave a shit you'd be pissed too! They saddled us with dealing with inept amateur assholes and expect a decent tour? What the fuck?"

Why isn't he angry too? Because up until now, he's had his shit under control. Things were, cloudy and convoluted as they were, figured out to an extent. But now that the one person that could've helped him and made reason for all of this is gone, there isn't much left to keep him acting decent or even cordial.

It's an unhealthy way to deal with that kind of loss, but in this city, that kind of behavior is rewarded far more than actually trying to sort through problems. So, hell with it. He's not angry about that. He's just.. angry.

Unfortunately, Shin allowing, through that outburst, his own set he has worked so hard to put together as he did come crashing down was the final straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. It's obvious he's losing his cool, and fast at that, with the way he's inhaling and exhaling as deeply as he is.

"Of course I care, this is all I have left.. but you going about ruining the goddamn sets we have to work with, my shit, isn't helping anything. And then you run off in here and go to do that," gesturing to that half ingested line of power that was cut in a sloppy fashion, hurried, obviously, "so really, who's the one not caring worth a damn? Are you just looking for another excuse to get high, or what?"

Someone's projecting here.

Well, Roxas might be projecting, but it just happens to rub salt into a wound Shin didn't even know he had. Honestly he still couldn't put words to why it hurt so much, but it's enough to have him go dead quiet for a moment with a murderous look in his eye. "You think that's it?"

He moves to slide the leftover drugs into a little baggie and slip his foot back into his now scuffed shoe. He seems like he's completely calm, like he's just getting ready to leave. Like Roxas isn't there.

"I get it. If that's what you think it explains a lot." Shin's going to walk right past Roxas, shaking him off if needed. "You can tell Blanche I quit."

He's not really going to quit, but right now he is considering making a repeat of the first time he had any coke, except with his own bike and not jumping off the bike before sending it off the bridge.

A look isn't going to throw him off. Shin scooping up what's left of his expensive habit into a bag for later isn't going to throw him off. There isn't much that can really get him to see past the red that's got him so wired right now, except threatening to leave like that.

Does he have any idea what they'll do to him? Clearly not, as he tries to make way past Roxas. Snapping out of his mood for a quick minute, just as Shin is about to pass Roxas makes a grab for his arm and latches on, holding tight, using whatever it'll take to keep him from walking out that door and doing something really stupid.

"You've got to be kidding.. get a grip on yourself! You know.. you can't just do that." It might seem like Roxas is being selfish with that statement, and that's true to a degree, but there is some interest in Shin not dying that also inspires it.

Shin tries to rip his arm away, looking at Roxas coldly. He'll push Roxas back if he needs to, "Why? Because I'm just a whore to whoever will pay?"

His stomach drops, hearing his own words coming out of his mouth. He knows how harsh it might be to say as much, and how bad it will actually cut into Roxas if Roxas does care. But he's already on a path to self-destruction, and he doesn't see a point to put on the breaks now.

Well push away, because he's fighting this one like something important is at stake, grip only tightening as a result of the attempt to withdraw. What Shin says does reverberate in his mind violently, bringing up those memories.. which weren't awful, but it sounds like he's trying to take a hit at himself and Roxas here.

With a frown, not meeting that cold stare with one like it but instead of stubbornness, "No.. you know what will happen. You can't be that selfish?"

..can he?

Shin's cold look falters and he looks away. "You'd be better off without someone like me."

All he wanted is love. Friends, family, someone to stand here and do exactly this. To hold onto him like he matters. He's not sure why he's fighting against it so hard. He doesn't know why he's trying to hard to push it away and deprive himself of it.

But at least he's not literally pushing Roxas away this time. He's still straining against Roxas's grip, but it's lost most of it's force. Yes, he wants to return to Hachi, to Ryoko, and to Reira. He wants to go back to BlaSt, but the same part of him that's here, trying to run from Roxas, is the same part that keeps driving him to terrible choices at home as well. It's what keeps him going back to Ryoko.

He's not worth the effort everyone seems to want to put in to him. He just doesn't see how these people don't see that too.

Even if that's true.. that's not right. Shin doesn't get to say who does and doesn't care for him, in whatever way they do. The way that Roxas feels about him might not be what he needs, or as much as others could or would do that may help more, but it's something, enough to keep his grip on him tight, unyielding. As that face turns away from him, the anger in himself cools off enough, for now, so he can see the big picture and hold off on being a jerk for a moment.

"Why would you even say that? You know.. that's not fair." He wants to tell Shin that he's not the only one dealing with shit here, which is very true, but that won't help now. He knows better, at least.

It's not easy to part truth or emotion when he talks, he's never been great at that, but it's all coming up now. This might not be entirely directed at Shin, but they both seem like they need it. Closing his eyes, grip still firm just in case, "Don't you realize that some of the things you do hurt other people too?"

"Roxas. I'm not worth your time," he says weakly. "I can't help anyone. I can't help myself, let alone anyone else." He bites his lip, shaking.

He takes a deep breath, trying to relieve how tight his chest feels. "Just let me go. They'll find a replacement before long. One that won't be a constant fuck-up."

Jesus, this is so frighteningly reminiscent of too many memories in the past he'd rather not have dug up. But here he goes, it's happening despite the desire or intent. This is not something he wants to be unearthing right now.. but it looks like he has to. Sternly, "No."

And, all the while, he has to maintain a grip of Shin while make sure no one comes in the bathroom -- actually, there's an easier solution to this. He can reach over, dragging Shin a bit for now, and flip the lock on the door so no one can come in without a key. Like usual, people will figure they're doing drugs or having sex, which doesn't matter.

At least with that taken care of he can let go of Shin, his back to the door, but a lot more comfortable than inevitably leaving bruises on Shin's arm with that death grip.

"That's just not true. I know it isn't. Stop.. stop thinking like that. Is that why you do all of this, like you don't care?"

Shin stumbles back when he's able to, letting himself fall into the far wall. He slips down to sit on the floor, submitting to Roxas at this point. He didn't care about bruises or what others might be thinking. It didn't matter.

He pulls his knees up and hides his face in his arms wrapped around his legs. "I'm going crazy, Roxas. I thought Cloud was insane with those symbols, that occult talk, but... Why should I care about a world that doesn't care about me?"

This is one of those situations where he has to put aside whatever he's feeling, whatever is bugging him, and be strong for someone else who needs it more. There isn't much left in this city for him, after all, and losing another element of that would just.. break him.

And he actually cares. Like his friends, the ones he thought he had in that simulation town.. they weren't real, but what he felt was real. He couldn't save what he had with them, do anything about that, but maybe he can do something about this.

The situation here is tricky, though; he doesn't know the whole story. But he can relate to it enough to impart some words of advice, as he can, but not knowing everything might also mean what he says will hurt more than anything. He has to try.

"You're not crazy." If that's the case, most everyone here he knows fits that description. "This is.. normal to feel. The world around us is uncaring and cruel, that's not a mystery. But we have to decide how we react to that. We can either run and hide or indulge in escapes that don't really do anything, or just face it. It's not easy.. but it can be done. No matter how hard you fall down, you can always get up from it."

Sigh.. God, wasn't this the same thing they were trying to tell him? To a point? As much of a hard time he's having digesting his own damn words here, he's doing his best not to show it. "You're not alone. You aren't."

"What if..." he knows how crazy this is going to sound, but, "what if you were dragged from another life? Another time and another place?" He's not entirely sure where he's going with this, but it's been so heavy on his mind, "but nothing is really actually all that different. Wherever you go, it's just... empty."

He doesn't understand why it hurts so much to know that he has people that care about him. That he's had people that love him. Or that there might be someone here that does too. "Even when you have what you're looking for, it's empty?"

Man.. open up the book of his (Roxas's) life and write in it with this, why don't you, Shin? Everything about the way Roxas is posturing and leaning towards him as he talks, listening intently, should tell enough that he's actually taking in what the other is saying, not just here for faux comfort.

These things hit too close to him, after all. And they have.. memories together. Of course he has vested interest.

"I'll be honest.. I've been feeling the same way. And I know for a fact that this isn't my life, this isn't me, and that there are others who are dealing with the same kind of thing. It isn't just you... it's this place." Might not be a hard truth to swallow, but here it is.

"But the other thing.. I can only say, from my experience with that," that being told his purpose in life without him even deciding only to find out it was the nefarious intentions of someone else who didn't have a bit of his own interest in mind, "You have to break away from that and find what's right for you. If the thing you thought you were looking for isn't living up to it, maybe you need something else. You just.. need to figure it out and go for it. You shouldn't have to settle."

It was like what Dazai was saying. That this place was wrong. This isn't his life.

At the same time, there was so little different that it was baffling. He had a hard time separating his two lives now. "All I have is... All I have in both lives is music. I'm a bassist as much as a guitarist. It's all I have. I'm not even pissed that they took me away."

He sighs deeply, "I don't know what I want. I just know that there's something missing, and I just can't figure out how to fix it."

In this regard, they can at least find common ground here. With his back against the door, Roxas sinks to the ground, sitting with his knees up, feet still planted firmly to the floor. Though, he isn't hiding here, as arms are at his side and face still facing forward.

"That's a struggle most people face." People, non-humans, Nobody's even, all the same. "We don't always know what we want. Even if we get it, we might not find it's what we want." For a moment he has to look down, because this part definitely hits close to home. "We have to keep trying though.. otherwise, what's the point, you know? And you might not think of it, but your life here, just being here, wherever you are, has an impact on other people. What you've done, your heart, it's connected to others. If you sever that.. you never know what could happen. It.. usually isn't good. You end up hurting people if you go that route."

That's what he's hoping, honestly. He's putting all his money on this, actually. If Shin can't find reason with that, it'll probably end up being even more difficult for him to do so. He'll try to be strong though, because that's what he would have wanted, but there's only so much one can endure.

Shin finally looks up, propping an elbow on his knee and holding up his head with a hand on his forehead. His cheeks are slick with tears, even though he managed to hide any outward sign of crying while his face was hidden.

Something Roxas said just resonated with him. It surprised him to realize this. He gasped a little, almost a sob, "I don't know if I am connected to anyone. I've never felt that. It's like I'm... I don't know." He sighs, lip quivering, "It's like there's glass between me and everyone else."

Damn.. this definitely isn't about him anymore. For the first time, Roxas is going to have to think about someone else here entirely, and push everything from himself aside. Not an easy thing to do for someone who has their own problems, but given the gravity of this situation, he's going to manage it. It'll be worth it.. if it works.

"Yeah, there's that.. and it seems like that. But there's always someone, at least one person who cares, someone who's going to feel something if you were to take a turn for the worst. Whether you want to realize it or not. To risk being selfish, I guess, you should at least consider those people. Because they might not even be people you realize care." At this point he tries not to frown, but he can't help to think of a few of his own from his own time.. his friend. Not just that, but his best friend.

The day he left their group, when Roxas proclaimed, like it was cool, that no one would miss him if he were to be exterminated... his friend said that he would miss Roxas. It should have stuck more then, but it didn't. Blame it on being young or stupid, but Roxas has to take that blame all on himself.. because he can't apologize or offer any words to his friend any more. They're gone. He can't have anything like that again, not if he can help it.

"I try, but it all feels so fake," he groans and shakily pulls out a cigarette. At least it was a cigarette. It's familiar with it's black paper and cherry smell, and distinctly different looking from the joints he kept with him. It's hard to tell if they could be laced, though.

He struggles with getting the lighter he wears around his neck to light. He lets the lighter and cigarette drop with his arms, "I just wish I was never born."

These are the kinds of things Nobody's should be saying, not a person who has always had a heart, and still does. What the hell has this kind of world done to people? Even in this obviously brainwashed kind of world, why is it that those painful memories from their past lives bleed through to what's going through here?

Roxas has been going through 'painful memories' from the inception of his creation, the midst and towards the end.. and even after, because why would it end there? But here Shin is, still young and in his prime, feeling these things strong enough, with this opportunity to have his mind wiped from his life prior and start anew, being ruined like this still.

Making a statement like that.. I just wish I was never born, speaks a lot to Roxas. It upsets him because, many, many times before, he had wished and hoped for the same thing. Even done some stupid shit to ensure his end, yet, the deities above them rejected that idea, and it didn't work. It isn't like he's talking out of his ass here.

By doing this he has to be careful, because maybe Shin wants this so he can lower his guard and then move forward and out, of course Roxas thinks like that, but it's the safest way to go about it, so.. being as aware as he can, he crawls forward to reach Shin, grabbing both items that lay aside - the cigarette and the lighter - holding them at least in that they don't sit on the floor.

"I know.. it's okay, though. You're not alone. There's people that care about you. There's things you've done that your existence means something.. if that makes sense. You.. make a difference. If you go away.. that's going to hurt some people."

Shin isn't going anywhere. It's like all the energy drained from his limbs. Tears are still falling from his eyes, but it would be hard to otherwise know that he's crying. It's almost like his body didn't even know how to cry.

If Shin knew about Nobodies, he'd probably swear he had to be one somehow. Why else would someone feel so empty no matter what they tried?

He was hoping that Roxas would say that he cares. That he would be hurt. Everyone else was so far away, in another dimension that he hadn't even dared hope he could return to. But at the same time his mind wanted to reject that he could be missed. That things were better with him around. "What if they would hurt less than they would if I stay? Isn't that selfish too? To try so hard to stay when you only make things worse?"

That's a thought that Roxas has had before. If he had left, which he tried to do, would they be better? Though his presence could, maybe even definitely probably would, though inevitably make for a worse situation, what if that?

From his experience.. it has not. It did not mean for the best of his friends. There isn't an easy way to deliver this kind of message to Shin, but maybe at this proximity it can happen. "Hey.. that's not possible. Have you ever known you? That's not a thing that can be written off easily. I don't know about anyone else who has said otherwise, if they have, but," be it inappropriate, but he's going to put a hand on Shin's shoulder here, in an attempt to convey the message he's trying to deliver.

"You mean a lot more than you think. That's how it always is. It's easy to forget those other people, but you can't do that. Because.. you're a good person. Even if you don't think there's other people that care about you, or depend on you, there are. IF you need an example though," and this isn't hard for him to come forward with, "Here I am. You being here means a lot. And you doing anything to take away from that... sucks."

@ 2)

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TW suicidal thoughts??

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my heart, it aches for him ;;

Mine too D: This is why I play him, my heart /)_(\

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