interstellar5555 | when the hope of morning starts to fade in me

Entry tags:

when the hope of morning starts to fade in me

Who: Tiger Universe and Greg Universe
What: On the verge of a breaking point, Tiger briefly runs away from "home."
When: Late at night on October 27th.
Where: Several blocks away from his venue in downtown Vista.
Warnings: People being super troubled, child ptsd.

He never really planned this. If he had, they probably would have known. He's not sure how - there's no rationality to it. He just feels like the managers anticipate when he's going to do something wrong, because they always seem to be ready for it. Even this doesn't seem like it will last.

But he's not really running away from Pride, at least not consciously. It's not the music that he hates, or his career. The thing that is so maddening is that he doesn't understand anything about this - he doesn't know why he acts the way he does when he fears the consequences so much. He doesn't know why he feels more and more like he can't breathe, and like he needs to do something, break something, for the tension to release.

So maybe breaking the rules will suffice, even if they just drag him back, after everything. Even if they hit him or punish him, like something in his subconscious tells him that they might. If he had the choice, though...he's not sure if he'd ever go back.

At some point he wanders down to the lower half of the streets, where the high rises and walk ways dimly illuminate from above. It's past midnight, by now, probably. He'd been doing some kind of press event for System Crash, but before Jin had known what he was doing, he just ran. Now he realizes that he has no idea where he is or where he's going - he never goes anywhere unescorted. He's not really allowed to.

But people, here and there, are already starting to recognize him. He wonders what he could do. Maybe if he cuts his hair off, or washes his face, they won't notice him anymore. He doesn't want to talk to them - he doesn't even feel like he's allowed to, unsupervised.

When some of his observers try to actually approach him, he straight up runs. They people calling after him don't actually sound like fans.

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After a small pause, Greg pulls back, just a little, so he can give Tiger a good look.

"Hey. C'mon. The world's a big place. I've seen a lot of it, and I still find new stuff to like, all the time. You get me?"

Tiger might be too busy crying to make it possible, but Greg was going to give the best eye contact he could. "We just need to find the right place for you to look. Okay?"

The break in contact sobers him up a little. It's not as simple as Greg seems to think it is - it's not like he could leave Pride if he wanted to! For...reasons? It's all he's got, isn't it? All he ever wanted.

He starts to feel claustrophobic all over again, thinking about it.

"It sucks," he insists, pulling away a bit more and wiping at his eyes with his sleeve. His super loud eye makeup is now everywhere. "It's sucked since ever."

"Well, I can't argue with that." He sighs, looking away while Tiger cleans himself up by making a mess. "But that doesn't say anything for the future, right?"

He looks up, to the night sky way past the high rises. That's one thing he really doesn't like about the city; you can't see the stars. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to promise you some magic fairy tale where it's quick or easy and we hug under a rainbow. I'm just saying, things aren't going to get better if you don't start looking for it."

Something about the way Greg puts that makes that familiar anger flare up in his chest. They always try to make it sound so easy, and it ticks him off to be patronized.

"What do you think I've been doing?" he snaps. "Waiting around for you to tell me that the answer is to try? I'm not dumb, Greg! I don't need you talking down to me."

"Look, I--" He cuts himself off before he can snap back, and rubs at a temple. "No. Yeah. That was stupid. You wouldn't be here if you weren't trying."

He sighs, and shakes his head. "Sorry. I don't have any answers or whatever. I'm just spouting off anything that I think might help, and hoping something sticks. I'll shut up."

It's a relief that Greg backs down as quickly as he does. If they'd gotten into an argument on the subject, Tiger almost certainly would have gotten too pissed off to keep feeling like letting Greg hang around was worth it. He's confused enough about what he's doing here as it is.

They were seriously hugging like a minute ago, and he still can't really process how. He shrinks down a little, wary now that he's managing to pull himself together enough that he can think. He fidgets with his hands - he's still super tense, and his eyes are still red and wet.

"You don't even...you don't know what's going on. With me." He looks away, sounding more distant. "It's not even worth...hearing about, anyway."

Rubbing at an eye under the fake glasses, Greg can't help but think of that conversation with Luce. About him, and about Tiger. He's been trying to brush it all off as completely silly, but... but.

In the beginning, Tiger had just been an interesting kid; weird, a little obnoxious, but someone worth keeping an eye out for. Greg's not sure when, but at some point, the teen had become someone he really cares about, and someone he's deeply afraid for.

"Well, you're right about that. I don't know what's on your mind." He had ideas, but... "If it's bothering you, though, then it's important enough to listen to."

The teens behaviour continues to be erratic - shifting between moods, and jumping between trains of thought. His emotions are sharp and electric, and ready to change directions on the spot - he can't even think straight, and he hasn't been able to for hours now. If he had, he would have been smart enough to never bother leaving his room.

His composure cracks again, and one can almost see the exact ways that assertion seems to set off a burst of conflict inside of him.

"Why are you even talking to me?" he cries, grabbing at his hair. "Why do you keep - augh!"

He wheels around and kicks a garbage can, but not hard enough to actually knock it over. Tiger doesn't actually have the most weight behind him.

He'd like to say all sorts of things, things that let Tiger know how much he cares, how this shouldn't even be a question that the teen has to ask. Unfortunately, Greg gets the feeling it all would set him off even worse.

Greg scratches at his scalp, and gives a small shrug. "Guess I'm just a jerk like that."

His hands shift down so he's hugging himself, and though the violent part of the outburst seems to have stopped, he keeps himself facing away from Greg as he feels himself shiver.

"I'm not even..."

It gets stuck in his throat, like the arrogant part of his nature, the defensive, can't bring himself to say it. By now, though, there's enough of him to fight that confidence that it slips out anyway.

"I'm not a good person," he says, miserably. "They wouldn't even have to miss me if I died."

A stretch of silence falls between them. Before this point, Greg had been making a lot of assumptions about what was going on. Pressure, stress, alienation, exhaustion, lack of boundaries or care--things expected in the sort of environments the two of them were caught up in, and not good for a kid's mental health.

He knows about the reputation Pride has, but until now he's been willing to give the benefit of the doubt and file it away as rumors. Even if that all is true, they wouldn't wrap up a kid in any of that stuff. Obviously.

When Greg speaks, his voice is far less even than it's been throughout the night.

"Did they--did someone say that to you?"

Edited 2015-10-29 06:29 (UTC)

Too bad there's that cage. I heard shit floats.

He can't even think about it without feeling like throwing up. The water creeping up on him and Xanxus just laughing. The way Wakana didn't even say anything to him when the key was gone and the water was at his neck. People hated him. They hated him because he was obnoxious and stupid.

He can't just tell Greg about this. No one can know about it. It's to humiliating he can't take it.

"There's no reason to care about me."

"You're wrong."

Tiger won't look at him, and Greg won't make him. He'll step in closer, though.

"I don't need a reason to care about you. I just do. That's what people do."

He wants to be angry, to be furious with whoever made Tiger think any different. Mostly, he's just scared that the boy believes it.

"Anyone who tries to say different is the one who's a bad person. It's not your fault that they're a scumbag, you hear me?"

Why doesn't Greg get it? It's not just any one person whose made him feel like this. It's just something that has started to feel more and more true, and what happened to him only confirmed it. He's been trying for so long to act like he's inherently worth something, but he's not.

"My own dad hates me!" Tiger yells, turning on him, tears fresh on his face. "I killed my mom."

"Your dad doesn't know what he's missing!" His voice cracks as he yells it, words bursting out before he can even realize it.

The surprise catches up after the outburst, equal parts from Tiger's statement and his own sudden vehemence. Greg blinks, before rubbing at an eye to give himself just a second to think. Some niggling part is telling him he ought to apologize. He doesn't.

For a moment, Tiger is stunned silent, that reply and its intensity seeming to come from nowhere. Having that much conviction about it seems absurd. It takes a moment, but Tiger's expression hardens a little, his fists clenching at his sides like he's trying to hold himself together.

"Like what," he asks, flatly. There's absolutely nothing here that a father would want to see, in his opinion.

"Like..." Greg's face screws up. He really doesn't know anything about Tiger, does he? All he's seen are a bunch of ridiculous tweets, and... this.

But, he knows he's right. His mouth pulls into a line, and he speaks softly, slowly.

"Like a kid who's talented, and passionate about it. Who cares about his fans, and his friends." Tiger might not think he has many, but Greg won't hear it. "Who doesn't stand for getting pushed around by anyone--not the paparazzi, not smug higher-ups, not idiots who think they know everything about him. Because he knows he deserves better."

He swallows, hard. "You do know that, right?"

He wraps his arms around himself. If knowing he deserves better is some how a positive trait, then that's news to him. His dad would be more inconvenienced by that than anything else, especially when surpassed him and took his place in everyone's memories.

Or, at least, that's what Tiger had felt like doing a couple month ago. Right now, he's starting to wonder if his dad had a point. The sentiment is a nice one, but it kind of goes to show that Greg doesn't really know him at all.

"If...if you think most of that is true, you're going to be really disappointed."

"I wonder." He can't outright deny it: when people try to talk about Tiger in a positive light, it always comes accompanied by a "but." He's definitely a piece of work.

Then again, it's also true that Greg doesn't know him very well. It doesn't seem like a lot of people do. Greg gets the feeling there's a really, really great kid in there, somewhere. He's just a little lost.

"Well, you're gonna have to start working to prove me wrong."

Hah. Well, there'd be plenty of ways he could prove that right now! Even if he isn't actually as cruel is one might think he'd be, it isn't hard to think of shit he could start hurling to try to scare this guy off. His antagonizing isn't very fine tuned but it can be determined. Just look at their "rivalry" leading up to this point.

Really, it makes him wonder where he'd get that impression in the first place.

"You're just making stuff up!" he says, eyeing Greg critically, but without a new flare of anger. "People always just make stuff up, trying to make something sound like it's okay, when it not. All I ever do is yell at you, and now you're just lying about it!"

"Hey, yelling at me doesn't cancel out the rest of it. I'm just one of those idiots you don't put up with." He rolls his shoulder in a little shrug. "I don't mind a little friendly rivalry, or whatever."

He gives an anxious little chuckle. "But... I would like more stuff aside from the yelling. I had fun that one time, with the masks."

Geez, thinking back to that...that was back when he hadn't felt constantly insecure and anxious about himself. It had been so much easier to just be a dink and do what he wanted before he'd...what had even happened to him?

It's like he just had some sort of epiphany moment, when he thought about his mom at the party. Like he suddenly felt all this hope about being a good person and helping people - a memory made more cruel by the fact that he's pretty sure he's not done either of those things in most of his life. He's spent so much time trying to stay afloat, trying to get the upper hand on his life, that he's not made a habit of thinking about other people.

It's a kind of love he can't even remember ever having for someone. As much as he likes some of his bandmates, he spends too much time doubting his relationships to feel so unconditionally fond of them. He's always gotta be ready for the moment that they spurn him, so if they turn their back on him, he can turn just as quickly.

"I was just trying to make you feel bad," he says, looking down. "It's not my fault it didn't work."

Greg sucks in a breath through his teeth. "Really? Yikes." He scratches at his hair, a little sheepish. "That's embarrassing."

Heaving a sigh, he tucks his hands into his pockets again. "Instead, you went ahead and made a good first impression, and now you're stuck with me liking you. Bad luck."

Truly, a mistake that will haunt Tiger forever.

"You must be easy to impress," Tiger grumbles, tragically not super impressed by Greg's facetiousness, even if he fails to get actively angry about it. He feels like Greg is avoiding the issue. That if he was actually being real with him, there wouldn't be so many implications of unconditional support that he doesn't feel like he's given any reason to warrant.

"It doesn't matter because...I'm going. Somewhere else. I don't know." Trying to brain the idea of running away properly is actually really hard, even though he's gotten this far. The drop in momentum is making it nearly impossible to even contemplate.

It had been a valiant attempt to lighten the mood, but perhaps poorly placed. Greg chews at the inside of his cheek, not sure where to go next.

"Listen... Tiger. If you're really serious about this... I'm not gonna stop you." There are parts in the back of his head telling him otherwise, but they aren't loud enough for him to pay attention to right now. "You don't owe them anything if they're not keeping care of you.

"But I told you at the start. Whether you like me or not, I'm not going anywhere until you're somewhere safe."

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